Have you ever thought that you’re the ONLY person who MUST be failing and getting it wrong?
Today, I am here to reassure you that you are not the only person experiencing those thoughts. In fact, I am led to believe that those thoughts come from the enemy. These thoughts fill us with doubt of God even having a purpose for us, fear that we will never reach our goals or become who we know we can become, insecurity in front of the mirror thinking that maybe it has to be because of how we look or what we are “missing”.
So let me ask you this.. Do you think that perhaps we are the ones who bring self-sabotage and cause even deflations to our confidence through our actions?
IF yes, read on.
Today I want to share with you some struggles I have had up until this point and some wins specifically going to back to 2017 particularly in ONE story of my life. Automatically, our minds retaliate to the idea that we may have more struggles than wins or that we have sinned to much to be forgiven.
I am writing this to show you not only a SMALL PIECE (yet super significant) of my journey to where I am now, but to show you the truth behind what you won’t see coming into my current chapter.
So, let us begin!
Since I was a little girl, I always imagined what it would be like to be a mom and a wife. I would fantasize that perfect family, those warm feelings of being loved by those I love most, or even me– who I THOUGHT I should be or would be when that time came.
Back in 2017 while my husband and I were still dating, I remember praying and asking God for a family..if I am being 100% transparent, although I had grown up in a Christian household my want for a family was so strong that I was willing to even do it out of wedlock! See, in that ALONE I never realized how big of a step that was and SPIRITUALLY how it could cause generations to be altered (more on this another time).. so guess what? that’s exactly what happened. My husband who was my boyfriend then and I conceived a child and although we were excited to be bearing a child a part of me NOW felt guilty for doing so out of wedlock.. I felt like a failure, embarrassed, even had that walk of shame, but it was in my failure and selfishness that God was able to show Himself.
I share this because although Versatile Woman was already in my heart.. I know that this VERY season is what birthed the final product of what we are seeing today in Versatile Woman ** as a sidenote!
Now having conceived a child, although it was what I wanted, I still had to ask God for forgiveness for my lawlessness, selfishness, and most importantly disobedience to His word WHICH then put me in a fear that what IF now me and my boyfriend (now husband) wouldn’t get married right away.. I didn’t want my kid to come into this world without her dad being my husband. She deserved that, right?
Well, although I had gotten what I wanted, I still had to wait on my husband to propose to say “Hey lets get married” if that was even a thought at the time, but although there were times I’d cry at night asking God to prompt his heart and to truly forgive me. Not only were we having a kid, but we were living in fornication (living together outside marriage/being sexually active out of marriage) (whaaattt) so really my salvation wasn’t even secure anymore… and once I began to realize that it got scary.. so one night praying I asked God if marriage was near and I remember peace overcoming my body filling me with a still yet sturdy response of ” I will take care of it”.
After that I left it alone and then guess what? He ended up proposing and short after we got married.
So this is a summary, but let me share with you how during this time I felt like such a failure. My struggles ended up coming from not realizing that in my weakness God is strong, He is my strong tower. My failure was conceiving out of wedlock, putting myself in a situation, even risking my salvation and now that me and my husband know that sex, marriage, and child bearing is so much more spiritual than physical we wish we would have known, but now we educate others!
Even after that, my struggles continued! I had gotten what I had wanted out of faith, but failed to realize that what you obtain with faith you must sustain with faith!
Being new to being a WIFE, MOM, Upgrading our living, AND building a business, this season taught me and completely created the foundation for God Illuminated Confidence. See, I had gotten what I had prayed for, but lacked the understanding that I still needed to be molded. When I say that my confidence was shot, it was exactly that. My life, in fact, during that time was falling apart. My struggles in my thinking (doubt, fear, unworthiness cause a lot to go down the drain.
In fact, I felt the most alone ever! How can you feel that way if you got what you prayed for?
One I did it at the cost of my salvation so I had a to repent and truly I was not founded in God, but let me tell you where the WINS are and not just the struggles in thought, spirit, and truth. My wins were and still continue to be GOD’S love and grace for me, He forgave me when I couldn’t forgive myself, He helped me and reminded me of His love when I couldn’t, HE reminded me that even when your territory expands so must I. and most importantly, HE reminded me that it was because of Him.. yes, I disobeyed (doesn’t seem so big in a world that accepts certain lifestyles, but I knew the truth and when you know the truth you cannot forget it).
My Wins are my family, my amazing husband who has such a love for God like no other, my beautiful kid, the things we have overcome mentally and in our physical atmosphere, but I am sooo grateful that even though this time was hard and a struggle– it sent me right back to the foundation!
It sent me back to grace, that even though I had sinned, I could still get back up, that even though I had disobeyed I had life in my veins so I could repent, that I could grow! I could even begin to change my thought process.. that maybe life wasn’t as bad and really it was just my thinking, my disbelief in me, lack of relationship with God, lack of confidence to truly walk in what I prayed for.. and so much more…
I won’t forget it, but Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (The Apostles) Helped me learn about Jesus and what He did and overcame here on earth to set the example for us. I love most that I learned that I no longer have to lean on my mistakes and short comings, but on GOD’S word to redeem and clean me for now and forever.
The struggles still happen! I still don’t always believe I can do it or equipped to handle everything but I am called so I must go on! I don’t always believe I am doing everything I am supposed to, but God gives me grace. I don’t always think that I am being that full 100% wife or mom God has me to be, but God gives me His strength through Christ Jesus. God had to give me the full mantle during this time to equip me to become the Versatile Woman first before founding it.
So,yes, maybe you too conceived a child out of wedlock, but that is your biggest blessing, maybe you too disobeyed and didn’t do what God prompted you to do, maybe your thoughts and words cause an uproar in your life, maybe you can’t get it right in business, in your marriage, in your relationships, with your kids, with your finances.. if you feel you have more failures than wins.. you are in fact winning! Why? because you are giving GOD room to work in you and bring HIM glory. But I really believe it comes down to gratitude too! YOU can’t see what you do have if you don’t focus on it, daily.
I pray this finds you well and see God’s grace in a situation that allowed me to grow to show you how you too can grow in whatever struggles/weakness/selfishness you have as you continue to focus on your wins.
Peace & Grace